Why do I get an erection when I talk to women?

  • Are men intimidated by beautiful women?


    Most men, in terms of trying to flirt with a beautiful woman, are intimidated. We’re terrified of failure, and presume that, gorgeous as she is, she’ll have her pick of fellas, so why would she give me the time of day, let alone say yes to a date?

    Not a lot of guys are going to have the stones to walk up to a gal like this and just start flirting.

    (Helga Lovekaty)

    That’s also because a lot of guys have a flawed approach, especially younger guys. They approach every interaction with a woman like their entire sexual future is riding on it, combined with the anxiety of asking a girl out, combined with the anxiety of social interaction in general. And they bomb, reinforcing the fear, and the cycle grows.

    I have, through many failures, learned a different approach.

    1. Accept that she’s probably not interested, and it’s not the end of the world.
    2. Understand that this is a might-fail, will-fail, situation. If you talk to her, you might blow it. If you don’t talk to her at all, you have no fucking chance.
    3. Assume you are not getting laid, but be open to the possibility.
    4. Just talk to her.

    I figured this out when I noticed that I got laid more often when I wasn’t actively trying to get laid.

    And here’s another thing to remember. While by no means universally true, some gorgeous gals are a bit lonely, because every guy thinks he has no shot, so he never takes one. Nobody chats her up or asks her out. Now, this isn’t always true, nor will she just jump into bed with the first guy to say hi. But maybe she’ll be interested in talking with you, because you were the only one to actually talk to her that night.

    My final piece of advice, and I apologize for the crude phrasing, but this is how it was imparted to me, is to “Take the pussy off the pedestal”. That is, she’s not some trophy you’re trying to earn, she’s just a person. Treat her like one. Talk to her like you would to another human being.

    So yes. Beautiful women can be very intimidating. Suck it up, be bold, and go say hi anyway.

    Edit: A couple of guys have asked, basically, how do you do this without being a creep. That’s a good question. You work up to it. Here’s the advice I gave them.

    The way you do that is social skills, and timing. Don’t walk up to random women on the street and ask them out of course, but at a party it’s much more appropriate.

    In terms of social skills, you have to be able to read when she’s interested, just being polite, or bothered, and generally only experience coupled with attention will tell you that.

    A big part of any social interaction is confidence. To build confidence, try this.

    1. Pick some person you don’t know, go up, and say hi. Ask if they have the time, or the bus schedule, or whatever. Pick anything about them of interest, and ask about it.
      1. “Excuse me, my phone died, do you know what time it is?” “Yeah, it’s XX:XX” “Oh, you have X phone, how do you like it?”
      2. At a restaurant waiting area. “Excuse me, hi. I haven’t eaten here before. Do you know what’s good?”

    Just little inane smalltalk. It’s meaningless and there is no objective, and they’re strangers, so there is no risk. But be interested when you ask. Pay attention. You’re just getting used to talking to strangers.

    2. Once you can do that fairly comfortable, do the same with girls who you think are cute. Don’t try to pick them up yet, you’re just building skill and confidence.

    3. Once you are comfortable chatting up pretty girls, ask one out. Maybe the girl you’ve had your eye on, maybe some new girl you meet at the bus stop. Now, you will get turned down more often than not. That’s the name of the game. But we’re still at the low-risk stage. You’re just trying to see if she’ll say yes, and then go have a nice time. You’re not getting laid yet, so don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the date.

    Eventually, you’ll be able to ask that gorgeous gal you’ve had your eye on.

    And here’s the thing to remember. Social interaction is always awkward. That doesn’t change. But, you can learn to be confident in spite of that, and don’t be embarrassed. If you do something “wrong”, do it with gusto.

    If you say something wrong, and people give you that look, answer something like “Well, I think I got my foot in all the way to the knee!” and laugh. This only makes sense if “He put his foot in his own mouth” is a phrase that is used in your culture, but the premise is the same. Roll with the punch.

    Basically, you’re going to fake being confident. Act like you think a confident man would act, and eventually you’ll find that you have actually become confident.

    Here’s some additional detail on not being a creep. Firstly, and sadly this is important, always leave her a physical path of escape so she doesn’t feel trapped. It’s regrettable this is necessary, but it it is. Don’t box her in.

    Secondly, watch her face and listen to her tone. If she’s interested in what you’re saying, people tend to have wider eyes, more open body language, and lean in more. If she’s guarded, defensive, or her body language is closed, you might want to move on.

    Also, if she’s contributing to the conversation, she’s probably interested. But if all you’re getting is “Uh-huh, yeah, sure, etc”, she’s not.

    And here’s a big one for NOT being a creep. If/when you finally ask her out, it’s always okay if she says no. It’s fine to be disappointed, but do not be angry or insult her. Frankly my usual response to being turned down is “Well, that’s disappointing. But I enjoyed chatting with you.” Now, things may be over, or perhaps she still enjoys your company, but just isn’t romantically interested. If you’re not sure, it’s okay to ask, but take her answer at face value.

    Another tip, if you have no idea what to talk about with someone, try to get them to talk about their own interests. People love talking about themselves and their hobbies. If you can show genuine interest in what interests her, that will make you more interesting to her.

    I have a friend who loves to talk makeup and women’s fashion with me, because I’m one of the only guys she knows who will listen, and she knows I use some of what she says in my writing so I’m actually interested in what she’s saying.

    So just as you really want to tell her about your latest Drizzt clone, maybe she really want’s to talk about that new Craftsman table saw she just bought.

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