I have actually been recovering from anxiety for over 10 years, now. I have actually been to numerous support groups with other individuals with depression, so I have actually spoken with numerous people with anxiety. If I can summarize what I have actually found out, it’s that people with depression feel a lot of shame that they do not match up to other individuals’s expectations, and they don’t feel lovable.
So why not just tell them they do not need to satisfy your expectations and that you like them? Why wouldn’t that repair them?
The issue is that this feeling has actually entered into a part of the brain that is not quickly influenced by conscious thinking. It does not actually matter what the conscious brain states or believes; the part of the brain where anxiety resides works very differently. It is a place where habits of idea are saved. Routines become routines through much repeating of habits. In order to alter routines, you need to duplicate more desired behaviors over and over enough that you can replace the old routines with newer, better ones.
How can you help someone with anxiety? How can you assist them practice new habits frequently enough to make new habits? Perhaps when asked in this manner, you can see the problem of helping somebody. In order for somebody to practice a new behavior enough times to make it a routine, they need to have hope that this work will make a distinction; they need to stick at it for many years before they start to see an outcome; and they need to keep working.
The hope part is difficult, but the practice part is the hardest. The best way to help someone practice is to practice with them. However initially, they have to determine what to practice, and you can’t really assist them figure that out. That’s figuring they need to provide for themselves. They have to be persuaded that what they are doing is going to help, and that doesn’t come from persuasion. That comes from an individual studying themselves and figuring out what is going to work for them.
The mistake most people who want to assist those with anxiety make is that they tell us what to do. This is disadvantageous. We require to figure this things out ourselves. We have to do that so we are truly persuaded that what we are going to try to do will work. We require that conviction so we can work at it for a very long time without getting any favorable feedback.
So if you tell us what to do, we don’t do the work ourselves. There’s no conviction behind it. No matter just how much our company believe you, it’s you we believe, not ourselves, and that just isn’t adequate to motivate us when you aren’t around. Worse, other individuals primarily nag or harangue us, and this normally makes us just wish to avoid you. It does not assist us concern think this work will help us change.
So what can you do? You need to support us in finding out things for ourselves. You need to listen to us. Motivate us to tell our stories. Shut up and listen to us for as long as it takes us to figure our shit out. This is really hard for you to do, because you simply wish to fix us. Sadly, you can’t. You need to await us to figure it out. All you can do is ask concerns and patiently wait and listen thoroughly as we work our method through our issues.
Then comes the truly hard part. Once we decide what to do, we need lots of assistance in doing it. That implies you, if you actually want to help, most likely need to do it with us. If we choose we require to meditate, you need to practice meditation with us. This keeps us going back to the meditation center every week to meditate. If we work out, you require to work out with us, to assist us keep going. If we choose to take a ceramics class, or learn music, or whatever, then you thought it, you need to do it with us.
So, now, I ask you, understanding how tough it is going to be to assist us, and just how much work it is going to take, do you actually want to do this? Do you actually want to assist? My guess is that you’re not going to stick it out. You’re going to be gung ho for about a month, and after that decide you actually have more intriguing and fun things to do. As you should.
Maybe the very best thing you can do is hook us up with someone who might in fact want to spend time with us. That will be a support system. People just like us. People with the exact same problems. Individuals who will keep keeping due to the fact that we’re all in the exact same boat. People who get simply as much out of what we are doing as we do. Maybe you could attend a few support groups with us, and thereafter make certain we get to conferences. Perhaps, after a while, it’ll end up being a practice and you won’t require to do much to keep us going.
Although, in my experience, individuals come for a little while and after that drop out. I do not know what takes place. They simply stop coming. Perhaps they show up a few months or years later on, saying they couldn’t get themselves to get out of the house. They wanted to, but they simply couldn’t. Why not? Did they have nobody to help them? It’s so easy to stay home and to stay isolated. And I don’t know if there’s anything you can do about that, unless you want to participate in the conferences even without us. Are you? If you really want to help, you’re going to have to spend a great deal of time and work doing it.
It’s all I can do to keep going to meetings. I’m a facilitator. The old facilitator utilized to call great deals of individuals each meeting. I can’t do that. I do not have the tolerance for making call like that. I send out emails. Individuals come or they don’t. When they come, they say they really need to be there, and then they do not show up for months or ever again. I simply keep holding the conferences. That’s all I can do. I can’t make anyone come. I can’t call thirty individuals each week to remind them to come or let them understand I care, despite the fact that I do care. I have a life, too. I can barely call my family and friends who I truly appreciate.
So that’s what you’re up versus. I do not believe you need to even try unless you believe you have an opportunity of sticking it out. Otherwise, just let the individual alone and let them take care of themselves. What it requires to help somebody who is depressed is real love and genuine stick-to-it-iveness. That’s quite unusual. It’s what we require. And the reality that it’s not out there and is so uncommon, is something that would make me very depressed if I let myself think of it. So I don’t. And please don’t try it and after that leave. That just makes me feel even worse. Much better to be on my own than to get my hopes up and then dash them versus the rocks at the bottom of a cliff, thus many individuals I have actually either understood or become aware of.